Being “Human” ?

 

I can’t get myself to wake up early. I can’t listen to music if my speakers are not on full volume and I won’t eat my food if it’s healthy. I know I’m being unreasonable. Reckless, even. But what’s life if you can’t live it how you want it? I am a restless person by nature. By staying calm, I’m not only ignoring the unwritten but oh, so unbreakable rules of nature- “Thou shalt not defy the rules of The Nature”.

Like every teenager, I am proudly a troublemaker. I will, undoubtedly, mess up my family’s mental health with almost everything that I do. I will love my friends more than an alcoholic loves a good wine. I will make some stupid, stupid decisions that I will regret for a lifetime.  I will waste my time. I will cry over stupid things, and later laugh about them. And even though I’m growing up, I will continue to be a child. Ah, the sweet irony of life!

I’m too young to let the world decide on me, and the world is too busy to take me seriously. Right now, the only biggest flaw in me is that I’m a learner. And learners are full of mistakes. I’m practically a masterpiece of mistakes, and here’s the catch- I love being who I am. I’d rather make my own follies and learn than to stay cautious and never experience the thrill of living. Yes, I would give up on being perfect. Perfect is way too overrated for a person like me.

Change is necessary. But when change is forced through the five orifices of your body, it becomes a source of suffocation. Just look at Earth! A mere two hundred years since we forced her to chlorofluorocarbons, and now we have global warming to pay for it. So, learn human fools, and let every person be who they are! No one can change you better than the three lettered word: Y-O-U. So what if you come off as crazy? Being Reckless is only Human!

 

 

 

 

Tags: chlorofluorocarbons, orifices, stupid decisions, sweet irony, troublemaker, unbreakable rules

Dear you!

Dear you,

You with all that you are and the way that you aren’t at all like what I first thought of you.. thank you. Among all the things I wanna say to you.. thank you almost sums it all up . You, with all that rudeness towards towards me, were actually kinda sweet. Thank you, You. For the sweet likeness that you never show. Thank you, also for bringing all those feelings back to me. You don’t know how much you actually mean to me! No, not THAT way. In a very different way, you mean a lot to me.. my “ego” if you will! I know you wouldn’t understand that.. But see, a girl always wants someone to like her, whether or not he will ever be hers! I will forever cherish you, and I know I will.

See, Im the kind that falls in love faster than 9.8m/s .. and you’re the perfect bait for me. Im sorry that I already love you now. I am so sorry I have already been a little possessive of you and Im so so so sorry that now I stare at you like a desperate girl. But I can tell you it wouldn’t last very long. You see, I will eventually fall for someone else soon. Forgive me, dear if you catch me staring at you like a retard. You’re a little tempting .

I know soon or sooner you will get tired of me.. and you will forget me…. well all i ask of you is to make it last a few days more, please? I don’t think I wanna lose you just yet. You’re a bit special for me.. you actually being the one that fell for me over someone who’s a lot more prettier, not only in the outside!

And I am kind of hoping you won’t like me back. I know we don’t stand a chance together. If I were ever to know for sure that you like me, I will go insane! I will mess us up really soon.. and what we have now is so much better. The light playfulness of it all.. the good days. And I don’t think I would deserve a person like you. I guess I could make do with you and me together in my mind. You will always be safe right here with me..in my daydreams! And I won’t be losing you that way either. Am I freaking you out? Well, wat can I say..Im just paranoid that way!

Also, I was kinda hoping today that you would like, accept that crazy-ass letter lol! Well, expectations, I tell you! They get higher and higher each time! And, thank you, once more.

Sincerely yours,
but secretly so!

Weekly photo challenge

here’s my take on winter this year.. my sweet little cousin having a fun day out ^_^ adore her ..

Kill me!

Kill me

I’m a nuisance to your sanity
I’m no boost to your vanity
You’re trying to stop me
sink the blade into me
why won’t you kill me

Kill me, I don’t want to live here
I’m better off alone with my fears
I don’t need your sanity
I’m okay with abnormality

your loathing doesn’t kill me
so end it with that dagger now
make your dreams come true
end my life somehow

Numb me down
I dare you to kill me
i dare you to stop me
kill me now or be killed!

 

Tags: poem, poetry, sanity

Celebrations!

This wound has cut in too deep
Deeper than it seems to be
But I rejoice in my painful mess
let me celebrate my lonliness

Alone, I can fight eternal wrath
Alone, I can endear the journey of hate
I can find company in myself
Let me celebrate my lonilness

I can pave my own path
Where no one else can walk better
I can make a world of my own
Make my own laws, be my own sinner
Let me teach you who owns
let me celebrate my lonliness

well boo hoo!

I saw him today! Him! No, not the HIM him, the other Him. You know, Him, the one who comes your way one day, and decides to fuck up your life, just for the heck of it! Yeah, that Him. It’s been about 3 years since I fell for him, and quickly then figured he was no good for me. He is this shiny phone that makes you want it, but upon a closer look it’s got shitty features. He is the big talker, the show-off, the idiot that thinks he’s got the world revolving around him. He is an insult to the liars all around. I mean, the guy was not even trying to hide anything! He would call me up whenever he wanted to, ask me out on a date and then cancel it the next hour, and would blatantly lie to me. I could catch more than half of his lying. What was the worst was that he had one other girl beside him. I must have been some naïve girl to have dated that piece of shit! Well I broke things between us, and it was really messy. Very messy.  He broke me up somehow. I fell short of respect for myself. I kind of let him have the best of me. I was strong and I never did cry once, don’t get me wrong here! But he made me feel so bad about myself; I still have a hard time trusting anyone at all.

I think things have changed for the better, and that I came out of it a winner in my own place. I’m not who I was, finally. But then, today happened. Well, it’s not like I still like him, or whatever. I don’t honestly give a fuck. But when the moment arrived, the gods of “I don’t honestly give a fuck” left me alone, a petty prey to the ramblings of my own erratic mind. My friend must have understood when I suddenly took a breath in and stood still.

He was sitting about a foot next to me, his back towards me, and I felt nauseated. My brain told me to get the hell out of there! I couldn’t take one more step towards that guy! He repelled me like garlic did a vampire. I had to take a 360 degree turn, just so I could let my brain take a breather! I felt inhibited, ashamed that I could let the presence of him control me. What was happening? Surely, I was the survivor! I should have had the courage to stand up to him, belittle him in front of his fresh prey! But no, I was unable to even spare him a glance! Oh, the irony. He spotted me soon enough and came up to me & spoke to me. The sound of his awful voice, carved his words into my mind like daggers do a wall, “Hey honey, we haven’t met in a long time!” Oh, I could taste the sourness in his voice. I so wish I could have been one to kick his balls back inside his intestines! I wish I could him given him a cheekier answer. I wish I hadn’t been so timid as to march out of the place, my friend’s hand in mine.

But no, I never let him be the reason for my tears. I am entitled to the pride of having survived his fruity loops. No more of him please!  I so wish that I had done what I couldn’t do. Since I am such a meekly human, this fantasy of kicking his puny ass will remain a dear, dear fantasy. I hope that someday I will give the sick dude what he deserves. More than that, I hope he never improves on his fucked up broken English! (That dude spoke like a Gauley!) And For now, I deeply hope that he reads this, somewhere in a dark corner, and is unable to decipher more than half of what is written!  Amen!

Tags: fear, love, monolouge

well..

I think that I might have to live alone whole my life. No, seriously. I have no one who wants me. I don’t feel very bad.. just bad enough to get me down on an ordinary day.. Everytime I feel like things are gonna turn around for me I get thrown back down so hard, I get scared of even wanting to be liked. It is the worst feeling when you try your bestest to impress someone and they just ignore you. Maybe this is what it is. I am an invisible glass wall. Every now and then people bump into me, but thats only just a mistake! And what with me getting my hopes up everytime someone bumps into me.. haha! Someday all of this crashing is gonna take its toll on me.. and Im gonna shatter. I dont need a lot of guys!! I need just one person to make me happy!!! The fucking universe can give me that no? I want it with evrrrryy fucking beat of my heart! I feel aloneeeeeeee! Totally mind numbingly and destructively alone! Can’t you fucking get that!!???? What does it take for the world to present me with a man who isn’t a pretender? Are all the good ones dead?

Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I’m even a good person at all. I mean, surely if Im a good person, good things should happen to me, right? That’s how it goes, doesn’t it/? Everyone had that pushing down my throat all through my childhood, they had me believing that a super-almighty will be taking care of me.. he wouldnt ever leave me be. Well, fuck. Why is no good coming out of anything that I ever do. I am a fucking nun, practically. Good things are supposed to be flooding down on me like volcano lava. Where the fuck is anything good? Why did the adults have me thinking I should be a good person when now I know they are as rotten as garbage. They got me into behaving like a good girl. And now they tell me this is a dog eat dog world and that I will never make it through with my morals. They let me be weak and cry and whine, they let me think I was a fucking princess. And now that I have grown up I am suddenly not allowed to drop a tear. They took my crown from me.. They threw me from my throne. Hypocrites. Why the hell do you let a child build up so many dreams on what is just a fantasy? Well see, Im still just a child now..! Im still crying Im still whining. I don’t know what being an adult is at all.! Am I supposed to love you, World? Thank you for all the fucking support?
Well fuck no! No matter how hard this universe is gonna kick me in my guts, I still have a little faith that someday Im gonna be not alone. I know in my puny ass heart that somewhere in a corner a loner is around, equally nauseated by this world. I don’t care how much I get mocked at, or lied to by anyone anymore. They are just doing what they were taught. Since my goody two shoes morals are already 18 years in the making, and now that anything foreign to it is gonna cost me much, much more I’ll just have to stick to them and hope they don’t get me killed. You see, Ive come to believe that Life doesn’t suck, but everything else does. With everything that is wrong around me, I could be way more wrong than them. I could be a thousand miles from the truth and I could be just a sheep trying to be a goat. I don’t fucking care coz at the end both the goat and the sheep will be going down together for the sacrifice. But since Im living in no one’s world and not mine, I have to be a certain way. Yes, a no one’s world! Everyone wants to control someone else’s world..not their own! They love to manipulate! They say they hate hipocrisy..they don’t know how they are the hipocrisy. Well I happen to love it. Definitely is something to think about when your life is going nowhere…not only metaphorically. The commands set down by nobody to rule everybody, and everyone loves to follow them. We have this inborn need to have everyone like us! We want to be judged! We want to be labelled! You want the world to lick your boots and make them shiny. And then when you have had enough rejection, you become the rebel. You will hate society! You will want to crush it down! You will be the destruction of it all! Ironically that is how great people are born. There is nothing divine in human. Everything is as fucked up as can be. When you were born you had already sold your soul to the devil. You are not holy, you are crap. In this world of crap you make me who you are.. you don’t spare anyone! You kill anything that is ever good. You hate individualtiy. You will break them down to what you are, eventually. Thank you world, because even before I knew what I was you figured me out and killed my insides with all that you ever were. Thank you world because now Im just one more hipocrite and I can’t wait for you to judge me.
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Tags: alone, anger, boredom, dissapointment, emo, life, longing